Lately I am uncapable of an original thought. I am unable to articulate how I'm feeling without referencing a song lyric or a passage from a favorite book. I can't find my words. I alternate between relief and terror at the idea of not being able to communicate. I wish I could take a vow of silence until the words return but I can't--I'm in sales.
This has happened before but not since I decided to start editing my words. It was time to "get along" with the world and so I had to dial the words back a bit. Words are powerful and they can hurt. I like to hurt with words. It makes me feel powerful. Nothing can stop someone right in their tracks quite like a few well chosen words...

Nader

My dog, Nader, is going through a rough time right now. My husband and I are financially strapped and have rented out one of our bedrooms to a friend of ours--and he has a dog. She's a good dog but she's young and aggresive and doesn't grasp the concept of boundaries. Nader, on the other hand, can only function with boundaries. I'm not talking about typical dog boundaries like staying in the yard, not running into traffic, sniff a butt before you make friends, I'm talking about keep your distance, don't look at me for too long and please, please, please don't touch me boundaries. Nader was, like too many pets everywhere, terribly abused before we rescued each other. She was neglected and beaten and deeply hurt by the people who were supposed to love her. It's taken several years of patience and unconditional love to bring her close to being "normal" but she'll never be like she could have been. She'll never be whole. Because you can't break someones spirit and give it back.

Since Nola moved in Nader has experienced a shift in her foundation. She walks around her own home--the safest place she's ever known--tenatively and with hesitation. She's perpetually tense and it's manifesting itself both physically and emotionally. I'm torn between telling my room-mate to take his crazy dog and get the fuck out and making Nader stretch and grow. I find myself talking to her like I talk to myfriends: Hey, life sucks--deal with it. Ok, your boss/husband/friend is an asshole--don't take it personally. Stand up for yourself!

But I know how she feels. It doesn't matter how many years pass, how many people love you, how far you've come or how much you have to be proud of. Once you've been violated you never forget. And no matter how secure you think you are all it takes is one dog and you're back to the beginning.